Beard

Starting the first day of fall I stop shaving may face, at least for the next two seasons. It’s cold. I’ve got to stay warm. I need my face jacket. Within a week or a few hours or so, I have a beard. After a month it’s thick and full: perfection. I let my head hair grow out too; good, but nothing to brag about. For Halloween I shave everything (on my face) except a mustache (to be Magnum P.I., Zombie Burt Reynolds, a Former Boss, etc., usually folks that were more hip in the 80’s). Then, back to growing the beard on All Saints Day, November 1st, no problem. By Christmas, I can get called Santa Claus, by an almost blind person. I continue through winter, with a flawless beardand the head hair, both untouched; yes, to stay warm. This is usually when people really begin to notice and study my mug. This is compliment season, not for head hair but for face hair, and usually never from a Republican and or child. In spring, it’s warmer, of course, so I trim the beard with an electric razor, starting on the first day of the season. I only shear it on the weekends (that’s once a week), as it’s a long process and I don’t have time (nor do I want) to do it before work. It’s also painful to do it every day. It’s not a close shave, they never are; at least not for someone with an impenetrable face-carpet as I have. It’s cliché to say but yes it’s basically a Miami Vice 5 o’clock shadow. Occasionally I will trim my (head) hair into a mullet, and maybe leave a Fu Manchu, but never a beard (along withlooking cool, I have to stay cool). I always leave the sideburns. Either way, I get a haircut (shortened head hairand shortened beard, but not as short as summer) and boom, I’m a walking calendar. Look at pictures of me without the date on them and you can usually tell about when it was taken. Not only what season but depending on the length maybe even down to the month. Hopefully this will not be incriminating evidence one day. Oh, I do occasionally shave the bottom of the front of my neck bald with a non-electric razor. I do this in the shower, similar to how I shave in the summer (in the hot shower), EXCEPT I don’t use shaving lotion. (Since I started writing this I have since stopped shaving the front of my neck because I’ve found that in pictures I look like George Michael, and I’m not really going for that style.) On the first day of summer I shave with a non-electric razor. I also cut my (head) hair closer, leaving barely any sideburns. There is alittle there as I don’t want to have negative sideburns, of course. Sometimes I shave it all bald on top. Either way, it’s all closer and it keeps me cool. A lot of people are nicer to me in the summer (not when my head is bald, but when my face is bald). My theory is that beards scare and sometimes intimidate people. Beards represent “slobs,” “slackers,” “hippies” and more recently “terrorists.” Beards were big for a while but 9/11 took us back 3 and half decades. In places like Portland however you can get compliments, but usually anyone born before 1969 does not dig the beard, with exception of course. I non-electric shave my face every weekend, once per week until it is fall again. Ionly use a non-electric in the summer. When this occurs I can’t just use any cheap razor. I need a “Mach” 3, 4 or 5 or some other razor that sounds like the name of a motorcycle. If there was a “Mach” 17 I would probably buy it. Shaving with a non-electric is a long process for me, as bushy as my face is (15-17 minutes, approximately). The Process: I’ve learned it’s best to get your face really warm before you start. That makes it soft and easy to cut. I don’t know the science of it all but it really prevents your face from bleeding all over (this is a good thing). I’ve learned to shave in the shower. I have all of my shaving utensils in the tub ready to go. It usually takes about 2 minutes for me to get my face hot and ready. I don’t like to be wasteful so I bathe while my amazing skin is in the hot bath. Then I put on shaving cream. Since I only use the shaving cream once a week, for about 12 weeks out of the year, it lasts a long time. My grandfather (who died over a decade ago) had a couple of barely used containers of Colgate Shaving Cream that I acquired. These both lasted me about half a decade each. I think partly they were magical sauce (and you probably don’t care to know that I enjoy their minty smell). The cans have lasted so long that the bottom of them has become rusty as hell. Now I shave… with no mirror. Some people are stupefied by this. I don’t use a looking glass for three reasons. 1. They always fog up. They are not better than nothing. 2. They usually have some suction cup thingy that doesn’t work. That really annoys the heck out of me, plus having to hold it would annoy me too. That’s too many sharp (and potentially sharp) things to be holding in my hand while in a potentially slipper y shower, depending on what happened in there prior. 3. I have a fear of the mirror breaking in the shower and then stepping on the broken pieces. Also, I don’t want 7 years bad luck; but since I’m only 25% superstitious I assume I’d only be unlucky for 1 year and 9 months. So hopefully I have enough hot water to finish the old face with a little more to rinse and soak. Currently, as of 2012 though, my shower only stays warm for 12 minutes or so. It normally takes me 15 for the whole process of shaving, not including the heating up of my skin (for 2 minutes). So really, it’s a total of 17 minutes, approx. That means I have 5 minutes with no scorching water; thankfully I’m mostly done. Now, then, I spend the last 5 (of the 17 minutes) touching up, finishing up and evening out my sideburns (short sideburns, not long ones, since it is summer). This I do in front of the mirror over the sink, unfortunately now with cold water (this is not ideal, or fun).

Sports...

I was born a male (and still am...) in Georgia in 1978. In the South especially there is no way to escape sports. Luckily I liked them. As you can see below there was a span of about one year where I began to get into sports from fall of 85 until the fall of 86). This included playing in the backyard and or on a league and or at school.

*1985-1995 (10 Years) Soccer (Backyards, Leagues)
*1986-1996 (10 Years) Basketball (Backyards, Leagues, School)
*1986-1991 (5 Years) Baseball (Backyards only)
*1986-1991 (5 Years) Football (Backyards, Leagues)

I was basically into sports for almost 12 years; spent most of my free time from 85-96 (1st-12th grade) doing sports things. I watched mostly the NBA and NFL on telvision during from 85-91 and from 91-94 I just watched the NBA. I especially remember watching the Celtics and Lakers in the NBA Finals in 84, 85, and 87. I remember watching the Pistons in the finals from from 88-90, and the Bulls 3-peat from 91-94. I also remember watching every Superbowl from 85-89. I also remember watching Sportscenter and Major League Baseball almost every night from 90-91.

I also collected Baseball cards during those 2 years (as well as a few football and basketball cards). My collection got really big actually but when I tried to sell them from 92-96 all of the prices had gone down. Apparently everyone else had started collecting in 90 as well. For example, I had aquired 3 90 Donruss Complete Sets; by 96 they gone down to less than $10.00 for the whole set. When I first started collecting they were probably $30.00 for the whole set. I'm convinced than until the exact moment that I started collecting that Baseball Cards were going up in value every year; after that they just went down. Unable to not only make a profit but also not sale them at all, I eventually gave them all away. Spent alot of those two years organizing them and trading them and saving up money to buy them. It all turned out to be a waste. When I turned 13 in 91 I began to have to work part time and decided not to waste my hard earned (as oposed to not so hard earned allowance) cash on other things. Anyway...

Compared to most people I knew growing up I didn't really know that much about sports and once 94 came around and the Bulls finished their 3-peat I not only stopped following any kind of sport I also didn't make any effort to watch a single game of any sport anywhere. However, once I moved to Portland and started going to Trivia nights (which I'm horrible at) I actually got some of the sports questions (provided that included events from 85-94). Since then people mention teams or players and I have no idea who they are talking about.

From 95-96 I spent most of my free time working on my basketball skills. Seriously, in private/alone I could hit numerous freethrows in a row; that was my best quality. For a tall guy I could dribble and shoot relatively well with both hands and that was about it. I was tall and in relatively good shape but so was everyone else on my team; as well as most being stronger and faster, thus I didn't start. My highschool team during my senior year went undefeated until the first round of the playoffs. After we lost that game I realized that my dream to play college basketball was over. Until then I was just stupid.

2010

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1-9-10
My Friend Jessica sent this to me.

'I just read an article about the worst things seen on the subway. Here are the two best from the blog:

1. "I only seem to see this Queens, but I hate people who hold onto the subway pole via their clenched buttocks."

2. "The absolute worst things I've seen...
F Train, about 8:30am on a very hot August Monday. Packed rush hour train headed into Manhattan. A huge black dude, Wall St. type in a suit, screams 'What the F##k!" and starts pushing back towards the door. On the seat is a very obese, scary homeless looking white lady. Her sweatpants are at her knees, and she is in a half squat over the seat with diarrhea pouring from her rectum onto the seats. At the next stop there was a literal stampede of people running off of that train car."
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About Me: The Short Version

I'm working on making life less interesting. I'm pretty stupid and pretty boring and I get made fun of a lot but I'm actually happier than most people. I am poor but I consider myself the most successful person I know. My life is at times basically one awkward moment followed by another. Almost a dozen people have told me they live vicariously through me and I can tell others are jealous of me; with good reason, I've had the best life ever and I'm still quite young. Except for a few tough times it's mostly just gotten better and better since I turned 20. My girls are the most important thing in my life. When my fiance is asked to describe me all she says is, "He hates wicker, and loves corn-dogs." (We would have never met if she hadn't got a D.U.I.) She works at a really horrible place named Kohl's and works with mostly really weird people that all dress and look the same. I don't know how she does it. She makes wonderful babies. She blows my mind. She is amazing. I've made more and more money every year since the year 2000 (except 2005 when i took a break). I think I might be related to the craziest people I know, but I love them. I survived 19 years of being forced to go to churches where they pray in tongues. I'm slightly dyslexic with slight OCD. I like my ducks in a row, but you can put yours wherever you want, even on top of mine. I'm reliable and organized, to a fault. I've jogged an average of almost 20 minutes a day since 2007 (but you couldn't tell from looking at me). I'm horrible with names and I until I turned 30 I never forgot a face. I don't wear deodorant in the fall or winter. I'm the most clumsy but coordinated person I know. I like holidays. I've never seen anyone that looks good with a goatee. I'm not a Democrat. I'm just anti-Republican and anti-Fox News. I would've voted for Ralph Nader if he had a chance. I've only had one belt for over a decade and I wear it almost every day. I've successfully boycotted Wal-Mart since 2008, McDonald's since 2006 and Taco Bell since 2001. If you don't know why I would do that then you're probably not paying attention. I have the coolest palms of anyone I know my age or younger. Apparently the best skill I have is growing a beard. My personality is much better than my body but when I was single most girls only called me when they wanted to make out. I love blind dates, pinball, reading, and trivia, although I'm not good at any of them. I'm a slow and timid learner, jogger, and cyclist. I'm a big fan of honesty. I think the sexiest shoes a woman can wear are comfortable tennis shoes. I've been a bartender, carpenter, dishwasher, librarian, social worker, and waiter. Most of my strange co-workers usually think I'm an idiot. I prefer it this way. I hate pennies, I throw them on the ground. Approximately 15% of the girls I've dated have turned out to be crazy. I sleep in weird positions and usually have trouble sleeping anywhere but my bed. I find it hard to fall asleep without white noise. I like to reward myself for a job well done. I'm still working on not getting mad at inanimate objects. My brother Kyle is slightly homophobic and secretly gay. I usually try to drink a lot of water. I have to pee all the time. I've met an insane amount of lonely, unhealthy, middle to upper class people with a low self-esteem. Everything about my life is better than yours. I'm a hopeless romantic but rarely do I fall in love. I have impeccable taste in friends. I usually have thankless jobs. The older I get the worse I get about brushing my teeth. I spent 2005-2008 stocking up for the future but I got too much stuff so now I'm on a 3 year plan to un-clutter my life. I don't think short skirts, tramp stamps, blush, high heels, orange skin or thongs look sexy on anyone. They sure are funny though. I always wanted to make my dad proud. I never succeeded in that. Just because I can write a page about myself doesn't mean I'm complicated. When ever I'm in charge people always say, "The blind leading the blind." My parents, my brothers, my friends and my girls: I love you very much.