Beard

Starting the first day of fall I stop shaving may face, at least for the next two seasons. It’s cold. I’ve got to stay warm. I need my face jacket. Within a week or a few hours or so, I have a beard. After a month it’s thick and full: perfection. I let my head hair grow out too; good, but nothing to brag about. For Halloween I shave everything (on my face) except a mustache (to be Magnum P.I., Zombie Burt Reynolds, a Former Boss, etc., usually folks that were more hip in the 80’s). Then, back to growing the beard on All Saints Day, November 1st, no problem. By Christmas, I can get called Santa Claus, by an almost blind person. I continue through winter, with a flawless beardand the head hair, both untouched; yes, to stay warm. This is usually when people really begin to notice and study my mug. This is compliment season, not for head hair but for face hair, and usually never from a Republican and or child. In spring, it’s warmer, of course, so I trim the beard with an electric razor, starting on the first day of the season. I only shear it on the weekends (that’s once a week), as it’s a long process and I don’t have time (nor do I want) to do it before work. It’s also painful to do it every day. It’s not a close shave, they never are; at least not for someone with an impenetrable face-carpet as I have. It’s cliché to say but yes it’s basically a Miami Vice 5 o’clock shadow. Occasionally I will trim my (head) hair into a mullet, and maybe leave a Fu Manchu, but never a beard (along withlooking cool, I have to stay cool). I always leave the sideburns. Either way, I get a haircut (shortened head hairand shortened beard, but not as short as summer) and boom, I’m a walking calendar. Look at pictures of me without the date on them and you can usually tell about when it was taken. Not only what season but depending on the length maybe even down to the month. Hopefully this will not be incriminating evidence one day. Oh, I do occasionally shave the bottom of the front of my neck bald with a non-electric razor. I do this in the shower, similar to how I shave in the summer (in the hot shower), EXCEPT I don’t use shaving lotion. (Since I started writing this I have since stopped shaving the front of my neck because I’ve found that in pictures I look like George Michael, and I’m not really going for that style.) On the first day of summer I shave with a non-electric razor. I also cut my (head) hair closer, leaving barely any sideburns. There is alittle there as I don’t want to have negative sideburns, of course. Sometimes I shave it all bald on top. Either way, it’s all closer and it keeps me cool. A lot of people are nicer to me in the summer (not when my head is bald, but when my face is bald). My theory is that beards scare and sometimes intimidate people. Beards represent “slobs,” “slackers,” “hippies” and more recently “terrorists.” Beards were big for a while but 9/11 took us back 3 and half decades. In places like Portland however you can get compliments, but usually anyone born before 1969 does not dig the beard, with exception of course. I non-electric shave my face every weekend, once per week until it is fall again. Ionly use a non-electric in the summer. When this occurs I can’t just use any cheap razor. I need a “Mach” 3, 4 or 5 or some other razor that sounds like the name of a motorcycle. If there was a “Mach” 17 I would probably buy it. Shaving with a non-electric is a long process for me, as bushy as my face is (15-17 minutes, approximately). The Process: I’ve learned it’s best to get your face really warm before you start. That makes it soft and easy to cut. I don’t know the science of it all but it really prevents your face from bleeding all over (this is a good thing). I’ve learned to shave in the shower. I have all of my shaving utensils in the tub ready to go. It usually takes about 2 minutes for me to get my face hot and ready. I don’t like to be wasteful so I bathe while my amazing skin is in the hot bath. Then I put on shaving cream. Since I only use the shaving cream once a week, for about 12 weeks out of the year, it lasts a long time. My grandfather (who died over a decade ago) had a couple of barely used containers of Colgate Shaving Cream that I acquired. These both lasted me about half a decade each. I think partly they were magical sauce (and you probably don’t care to know that I enjoy their minty smell). The cans have lasted so long that the bottom of them has become rusty as hell. Now I shave… with no mirror. Some people are stupefied by this. I don’t use a looking glass for three reasons. 1. They always fog up. They are not better than nothing. 2. They usually have some suction cup thingy that doesn’t work. That really annoys the heck out of me, plus having to hold it would annoy me too. That’s too many sharp (and potentially sharp) things to be holding in my hand while in a potentially slipper y shower, depending on what happened in there prior. 3. I have a fear of the mirror breaking in the shower and then stepping on the broken pieces. Also, I don’t want 7 years bad luck; but since I’m only 25% superstitious I assume I’d only be unlucky for 1 year and 9 months. So hopefully I have enough hot water to finish the old face with a little more to rinse and soak. Currently, as of 2012 though, my shower only stays warm for 12 minutes or so. It normally takes me 15 for the whole process of shaving, not including the heating up of my skin (for 2 minutes). So really, it’s a total of 17 minutes, approx. That means I have 5 minutes with no scorching water; thankfully I’m mostly done. Now, then, I spend the last 5 (of the 17 minutes) touching up, finishing up and evening out my sideburns (short sideburns, not long ones, since it is summer). This I do in front of the mirror over the sink, unfortunately now with cold water (this is not ideal, or fun).