About Me: The Short Version

I'm working on making life less interesting. I'm pretty stupid and pretty boring and I get made fun of a lot but I'm actually happier than most people. I am poor but I consider myself the most successful person I know. My life is at times basically one awkward moment followed by another. Almost a dozen people have told me they live vicariously through me and I can tell others are jealous of me; with good reason, I've had the best life ever and I'm still quite young. Except for a few tough times it's mostly just gotten better and better since I turned 20. My girls are the most important thing in my life. When my fiance is asked to describe me all she says is, "He hates wicker, and loves corn-dogs." (We would have never met if she hadn't got a D.U.I.) She works at a really horrible place named Kohl's and works with mostly really weird people that all dress and look the same. I don't know how she does it. She makes wonderful babies. She blows my mind. She is amazing. I've made more and more money every year since the year 2000 (except 2005 when i took a break). I think I might be related to the craziest people I know, but I love them. I survived 19 years of being forced to go to churches where they pray in tongues. I'm slightly dyslexic with slight OCD. I like my ducks in a row, but you can put yours wherever you want, even on top of mine. I'm reliable and organized, to a fault. I've jogged an average of almost 20 minutes a day since 2007 (but you couldn't tell from looking at me). I'm horrible with names and I until I turned 30 I never forgot a face. I don't wear deodorant in the fall or winter. I'm the most clumsy but coordinated person I know. I like holidays. I've never seen anyone that looks good with a goatee. I'm not a Democrat. I'm just anti-Republican and anti-Fox News. I would've voted for Ralph Nader if he had a chance. I've only had one belt for over a decade and I wear it almost every day. I've successfully boycotted Wal-Mart since 2008, McDonald's since 2006 and Taco Bell since 2001. If you don't know why I would do that then you're probably not paying attention. I have the coolest palms of anyone I know my age or younger. Apparently the best skill I have is growing a beard. My personality is much better than my body but when I was single most girls only called me when they wanted to make out. I love blind dates, pinball, reading, and trivia, although I'm not good at any of them. I'm a slow and timid learner, jogger, and cyclist. I'm a big fan of honesty. I think the sexiest shoes a woman can wear are comfortable tennis shoes. I've been a bartender, carpenter, dishwasher, librarian, social worker, and waiter. Most of my strange co-workers usually think I'm an idiot. I prefer it this way. I hate pennies, I throw them on the ground. Approximately 15% of the girls I've dated have turned out to be crazy. I sleep in weird positions and usually have trouble sleeping anywhere but my bed. I find it hard to fall asleep without white noise. I like to reward myself for a job well done. I'm still working on not getting mad at inanimate objects. My brother Kyle is slightly homophobic and secretly gay. I usually try to drink a lot of water. I have to pee all the time. I've met an insane amount of lonely, unhealthy, middle to upper class people with a low self-esteem. Everything about my life is better than yours. I'm a hopeless romantic but rarely do I fall in love. I have impeccable taste in friends. I usually have thankless jobs. The older I get the worse I get about brushing my teeth. I spent 2005-2008 stocking up for the future but I got too much stuff so now I'm on a 3 year plan to un-clutter my life. I don't think short skirts, tramp stamps, blush, high heels, orange skin or thongs look sexy on anyone. They sure are funny though. I always wanted to make my dad proud. I never succeeded in that. Just because I can write a page about myself doesn't mean I'm complicated. When ever I'm in charge people always say, "The blind leading the blind." My parents, my brothers, my friends and my girls: I love you very much.